Learning to Communicate .Part Two

Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Miguel Angel Ruiz

It is all too easy to become a mind reader. To say something to someone and because we do not get the response or the reaction that we have anticipated, we suddenly start to “mind read” them which means that we make up reasons for why we think that they are behaving or responding the way they are. These judgments are based on our beliefs and values and insecurities not theirs and so are seldom accurate.  We  begin to think that they are doing this because of whatever reason we have conjured up or they are not doing this because of  and  again we conjure up another reason. We might be right but we are just as likely to be completely wrong. Seldom do we stop and think that perhaps they have not understood what we have said or they didn’t understand the importance of it and that maybe just maybe the reason for that was that we just did not communicate it as well as we thought we had. We must not be afraid to express how we feel and to say it clearly. There is seldom little point in being so subtle that your point is missed entirely unless you are attempting to be the next James Bond and you are on a secret mission. Even then I doubt he would have much success this way.

If we mind read someone we are being completely unfair to them and to ourselves. We can create problems where none actually exist and cause ourselves and them a lot of unnecessary pain and embarrassment. So why do we do it?  Mostly it is fear of something. It can be fear of rejection, ridicule or judgment. We are scared to say exactly what we mean in case they don’t agree with us and so dance around it in an attempt to gather more information and check to see if we are on the same wavelength or not before we attempt to honestly say what we feel or think .If we were being honest with ourselves though, we need to ask the question why would we want to be with someone romantic or simply a friend who was not on the same wave length as us? What benefit is there to having to conceal our true personality, thoughts and feelings? If we express ourselves truthfully and they ridicule or reject us surely we have just saved ourselves a lot of time and potential heartache?

To be happy in life we need to learn to be true to ourselves and not hide away pretending to be something we are not. We should recognize that we all have our strengths and weaknesses and not be afraid to express ourselves honestly. This enables us to learn from past mistakes and move forward in life, happier, healthier and more confidently. To be able to do this we need to communicate well with others and to do that we need to be fair and honest. Say what we mean and be prepared to listen to the other person’s point of view and perhaps learn from it. If a friend or a partner has done something that has hurt us we need to be able to sit with them and explain why we feel the way that we do and not just react without giving them a chance to explain their actions. We may find that they were completely unaware of how strongly we felt and had no ill intent .Instead of reacting to people and situations instantly it helps to calmly sit and discuss what is going on and learn from it. Do not create unnecessary drama and heartache in your life when by simply taking the time to chat you could find out one way or another what is really going on and why. If someone refuses to communicate with you, then let it be known that you are open for discussion and then leave it up to them. There is no point in chasing after or worrying about someone who will not give you the opportunity to explain yourself or their actions. Let it go and get on with your life. You will find that it may eventually then get resolved but it certainly won’t if you keep going at it without a pause.

When it is a marriage or a close relationship that has broken down it is important to be clear and not hostile in any communications. It really doesn’t matter who is to blame for the break up particularly if there are children involved. What matters more is that if you still need to communicate with each other for whatever reason that you do it in a straightforward way. It is wiser not to have a hidden agenda as they will only hurt you in the end. Be honest and as fair as you can be and you will at least respect yourself, if not the other party. At the end of the day it is how you behave that will make you feel good or bad about yourself when you reflect on it in the future. To allow you to be happy in the future always make sure that you can look back and know that you did your best. Learning how to communicate honestly and directly is one of the basic keys to happiness and well worth practicing daily.